It sounds like you waited too long to resolve this problem. I would recommend seeing a vet, for two reasons
– they might be able to sedate her so she can be cleaned up and groomed properly
– they might help you determine whether her distaste for grooming stems from pain which can often be the case
If pain is at the root of the problem, it needs to be addressed. If there is nothing medically wrong with her, you need to start training her to accept care right away. Check out Donna Hill’s youtube channel, she’s got some great videos showing how a dog can be condition to accept all sorts of care including teeth brushing, nail clipping … the principle is the same for all such things.
Yes, that sounds right, sounds like hematoma (blood pocket caused by blood pooling from broken blood vessel(s). Here is the thing:
– it can go away on its own but it could take a long time and leave the ear deformed (cauliflower ear)
– I’m quite sure it’s pretty uncomfortable and painful
– most importantly, this often happens when a dog shakes their head a lot because of an ear infection (though it could be just from accidentally shaking and hitting the ear on a table edge or something like that)
So yes, I would see a vet, have him checked to make sure there is no ear infection/inflammation going on and have it treated if there is and I would have the blood pocket treated or at least evaluated.